On Being Alone

Well two and a half weeks have passed since I boarded that airplane in Halifax to start this Journey and this will be the first e-mail regarding feelings. Many of you who know me well have been waiting for this one...not the tour blog but the "Ardythe" blog. But before I start with that I want to relate several things. In those good years my Dad had before he died he had an expression which Bruce and I use quite frequently these day ourselves...your past keeps rushing toward you....that is how we feel sometimes when we pick up the telephone and it is someone we have not heard from for 35 years. This happened to us about 2 years ago and it also happened this week to Bruce again. The details are not important it is the theory that is important.. you grow older and the circle seems to tighten and and become smaller and smaller. My Dad noticed that and passed that wisdom on to me and now it is happening to me. A little truism. Another such truism is that one thing really does lead to another. In a past blog I mentioned how I was going to read something by Colette the French author who wrote Gigi and then was casually glancing through the new book by Francis Mayes and she was talking about visiting Burgundy and the Colette Museum near Auxerre. I was so intrigued that Colette was from Burgundy and that was where I was going that I made very sure to find some books about and by her...which I did at that wonderful used bookstore in Halifax ...John Doull's. Where is this all leading? Well I have now finished a biography of Colette byAllan Massie..1986 and I am amazed at the life of this woman, her achievement in a society dominated by men 1873-1954, her love of nature and all things tender..flowers, animals,beautiful colours,sunsets,; she sought harmony between man and nature. She was independent and circumspect and this is my favorite her writings on the value of gifts"little by little she stows them away and as her treasures increase she is forced to stand back a little from it, like a painter from his work stands back, and returns ,and stands back again, pushing all the detail into place" When I read that I thought about "alone" and how often do we allow ourselves to examine the treasures we are collecting , to stand back, to return and examine them again until we push them all into place.How amazing to pick that author to read and then discover that she had a lot to say to me...about independence, about finding out that you can function on your own, and the importance of taking the time to examine what is beautiful in your life.
So, I am alone and I miss those I love but I would not say I am lonely. I think of this as a retreat in a lovely place where instead of doing needlework like they may have done in bygone days I am putting my efforts toward tasting Burgundy wine and learning the best Domaines with the best prices for value. etc. I take little steps each day being careful not to fill it with hurry and unwanted activity. So I can honestly say my mind is restfull, it is not filled with lists or worry of children's struggles,or dogs illnesses; The view from my kitchen window of chimneys and rooftops of Beaune is restful and never changing except when a bird or two stops by.
I have been a strong believer that our lives are divided up into milestones... I was very much aware of those and they were very much detailed for children's development. But as you age the milestones are less defined..like the sociologists/psychologists gave up trying to study them. But I can tell you some for myself...when I realized I was not going to be Prime Minister and stopped the competing, when my mother and then my father died although I think the first was the most traumatic, when my husband developed an illness..these are just a few but they were times when you stop and take stock and think about life and make adjustments hopefully. But now here I am at another milestone...the realization that this grey hair is not "attractive on a young face" anymore as the face is aging and there are body parts that do not function as well anymore like knees and hips. That I think of years in time left and what should I do while I still can but most importantly..what are the things in my lfe that are important to me...that will take me forward for the rest of my life. So for me this is like saying " good-bye and hello"...like September or January for some when we start again with renewed vigour.... I hope to emerge form this cocoon with new wings ready to soar.
It is not like your mind is constantly filled analyzing the past but instead your mind is free of everyday things and so able to float and lite upon whatever comes its way.. I might pass a window and see something in it that reminds me of something that happened in 1983...and I have time to take it out and respond to it. That is the psychological part. But there are other things.... how many times have you told the dentist you do not floss because you do not have time...well I am flossing and that is a big deal and filing a nail as soon as it breaks and reading all morning and changing my mind even as I start out to do something and doing something else with no justification but because I can.
So let me encourage you to try something on your own: to spend time in thought and contemplation watching and learning.But it is not without its burdons....there are very few women alone...men yes..but women no .. I have seen them in two's and three's but not alone. When you go to an event as I did today and you order your ticket they say " un personne" and you say yes and it feels a bit strange. And eating alone , especially in a restaurant, is just a bit odd...but better that the weather is so great and you can be out side watching everything going on around you. And then you do not speak for hours and so when you do the words stick in your mouth and your voice sounds horse. I did not want to paint a perfect picture of it .So enough for tonight..I am ruining my calm as I want to move on from this. Bon Nuit